After spending my initial few days in Salford royal, I by far find the mornings the most difficult. That’s always when the tears come. I was woken for my observations and I’m not awoken from this nightmare. It’s not a dream, this is my life now. It’s all changed in an instant and there nothing I can do but face this head on. I relive everything they’ve ever said to me everytime I wake up. So to do that on your own with no visitors is tough. I need my family. I need my support network. That seems to be how the other ladies on the ward feel too, I often hear their whimpers in the early morning, asking why them? When will they wake up from their bad dream too? There’s times I feel upbeat and positive and there’s times I just want to wallow in self pity and ignore this. But feeling negative isn’t going to help me. It won’t help me fight, it will only cause me to feel weak. And I don’t have time for that now. So positive knickers are on as much as physically possible now. For as long as I possibly can hold onto them for. I might need a few new pairs actually. 

I’m waiting for the doctors ward round this morning. My neurosurgical team will come and talk through the results of my latest MRI, let me know what that suggests and answer any questions I may have. My biggest one is when can I go home? I’ve been itching to get out of here since I came to be honest. And that’s not because I’m not grateful of this care. I just want to be at home with my family, with no visiting slots or restrictions on seeing my children. If I am on limited time, I don’t want to waste another second away from anyone I love. Also my sister comes home from vegas today. I’ve not seen her in person since this whole thing began and I ended up having to tell her the news via FaceTime when she was about to board her plane home. Not the way I wanted to do it, but mum and dad were looking after her boys and had needed to spend a lot of time supporting me over the last 24 hours. So we had one nephew with one sibling, and one nephew with another sibling – she needed to know the honest truth why. I’d held off till now so she she could enjoy her once in a lifetime trip with her husband and friends of exploring the Grand Canyon in the 40 degree heat, watching her friends get married and living the highlife in the casinos and she’d experienced that now. So it was time. We cried, we talked through what we know so far, and I gave her strict instructions of having plenty of drinks on that plane home so she could sleep the whole way. We can’t wait to see each other. My sister is incredible and remains one of my best friends in this world. I just know she will be with me every step of this journey. 

So I’ll beg them to send me home as soon as i see the team. Just like I did yesterday. Me and the nurse in charge laughed and joked that healthcare professionals make the worst patients. She was right. She explained it’s my turn to be the patient now and just to listen and take their advice; prioritising myself. But that shift in roles is really hard. I’m not used to that. They have held my hand and stroked my hair when I needed them, and told me I need to stop hanging my call bell back up on the wall – to use it. To rest. And to ask them when I need anything instead of doing it myself. She said I know full well I’m not allowed to sneak into the kitchen marked ‘staff’ myself to make my own peppermint tea and thats what I’d say to my own patients – but she also knows it’s unlikely to stop me because that’s exactly what she’d do herself 😂. She knows I want all my ducks in a row, all the facts, the diagnoses and the blood results because that’s what I’d need at work. But that’s not my job now and these reports and findings take time. They’ve pushed things through for me as quickly as they can and I’ll honestly be eternally grateful to every member of the team here. The empathy they have shown me here has been incredible and it makes me want to be a better midwife. When I return to work I’ll be pinching some of their nursing traits for sure – they’ve been true superhumans and I could learn a thing or two from them. They still won’t catch me using that call bell though. 

I feel my independence slowly slipping in each and every way. I know it’s in my best interest, but I keep telling everyone – I feel fine! I have a dull headache which is very manageable especially on my current medication, but with that, I very much intend on just living a full life and carrying on as normal with a few extra medical appointments chucked in. No driving for two years has been a tough one though. Hopefully less if I continue having no seizures. So let’s hope they stay at bay as who else is going to drive my speed demon Mini Cooper around these streets?! I can’t swim, I can’t exercise, I need someone in the house with me as much as possible and I can’t even bath unattended (Oll will love that one – first bit of good news he’s had in a while I’m sure 😂). I have to keep thinking that my Independence will return. This is a temporary measure. It’s just hard to look past sometimes. The term passenger princess has been thrown around in my uni group chat and that’s the way I have to think about it – with a positive spin. Those girls are very good with that stuff – even naming this tumour Neville – Neville the nob. Because OBVIOUSLY he’s a man 🙄. They’ve been one of the many support networks I’ve leant on in the past few days that I genuinely don’t know I’d have got through without. And I know they’ll be reading – this was their idea after all. ‘Offload your brain Jen – write it all down’. There’s no room in my brain for all these thoughts and feelings now anyway is there with Nev taking up all the bloody space so I best get them out! 

I better had get some more sleep. I’ve got a hot date to prepare for after ward round. Oll is coming to take me off the ward for a bit – we’re off for breakfast at the hospital M&S – how posh. Hopefully a real date might be on the cards when I’m home, but for now this is the most perfect idea in the world. One which he suggested and we’re both really excited for – it’s those little things that will get us through now ❤️🥐

Felt like I needed to offload some 4am thoughts today. I feel better for it. I’ll next update when I feel it’s right and like my head is filling with thoughts and feelings again. They might not be regular updates. But as and when I need to.

loads of love, Jen and Nev x