A week since diagnosis today. Time flies. I’ve had such gorgeous visitors and so many gifts over the past few days. Even friends flying in from other countries just to be here to support me. My circle honestly is the best and I couldn’t be more grateful for everyone taking the time to message, pop by or send a thought my way – you really do figure out who your people are and who you can trust to be there for you at a time like this. 

I’ve had to have some tough conversations with nursery and school this week to update them and make sure the kids have the emotional support they need to. That’s been hard because their emotional support should be MY job. But Willow has been a bit upset going into school and even though we’ve not told her much, she knows the basics and I’m sure is picking up on even more – like why has mummy got so many visitors and new Lego sets, jigsaws and treats?! So to know school will be there for them if they’re feeling fragile too is important and thank goodness they’ve been great so far. They seem to echo my thoughts that I just want them to have a normal school life, with no extra special treatment from anyone as such, but that they may require some TLC from time to time. So we’ve agreed they will receive no information from school regarding the diagnosis but that instead I will keep the teachers up to date and they will support the babies as required – as little or as much as we feel is necessary. There’s certain referrals they can make along the way if they need to for the kids and we just need to be open to all the help we can get as we plod along this journey.

I had a bit of a ‘why me’ day yesterday which was always going to come I guess. Not everyday will be a good one and that’s just the rollercoaster I’m on now! These things are sent to test us and I know I’m strong enough to smash it. Things could ALWAYS be worse, and I still have countless things to be thankful for in this life. I guess I just sat back and realised how crap, unfair and out of the blue this actually is. The tablets I’m on won’t be helping that feeling either as their side effects are just all crazy but they’re doing wonders to the pressure behind my eyes, in my head and for my neuro episodes of which I’ve still had none for ten days! They just take all of the energy out of me – I’ve never been so lethargic. It took all my strength to put a pizza in for the kids the other day and make them a packed lunch for school which is wild when I’m used to being on the go all day everyday. 

I’ve also self referred to some therapy through the brain tumour charity for me and Oll. I’ve always been really open to chatting your feelings through as you can tell by the blog. But men are a different species aren’t they, so I’m not afraid to admit I’ve been worried about how Oll is coping with it all. Most of the responsibilities as dad and husband naturally just fall to him now, but then he has to come to terms with all of this too. Luckily he has fab friends and he took a big step last night by going to spend some time with them which must have felt good. But then this makes him feel guilty too. It’s catch 22 all the time. There is also some serious trauma to unpack from being told the initial news on Tuesday that we just can’t keep inside – we need to work through that together. So eight free sessions from the brain tumour charity will be a huge help. There are more specific oncology self referrals I can do too as we progress down our journey but here feels like a good place to start for now. I’m just so grateful for him – really not sure what I would have done without him this past week. I hope he knows how brave he has been for me and shown me that he meant every word of his vows when he made them to me 8 years ago. In sickness and in health hey ❤️

Lots of love, Jen and Nev x