I wasn’t going to blog today. But I feel compelled to after the day I’ve had! These blogs have always been a way to help me vent – get my thoughts and feelings out of head and off my chest. They help me so much. And I totally do them out of selfishness. They’re for me. It just so happens there’s ended up being quite a few of you following along (which I absolutely love). So I’ve just got home. I’ve had a wild day. And I need to tell you all about it. 

So we’ve been spending some of the FIFI that work gave me. We started the morning at The Jurassic World Exhibition. It was incredible. The dinosaurs are so real, the experience is so interactive and we just had some super special family time. Chester was a bit scared at points – I’m pretty sure he thought we’d taken him there to feed him to the dinosaurs bless him. But he warmed up to them and willow loved the whole thing.  Then they rinsed FIFI in the gift shop on a poster and a Teddy and we headed to Hickory’s for lunch where they rinsed her some more. This was the babies choice – mainly because of the cinema in the restaurant which they thought was the best thing ever. Hats off to the member of staff who has to hoover up all the popcorn on the floor of that cinema everyday from everyone’s impatient children 😂 I couldn’t do that job I tell you! The food was great, the babies really enjoyed it and they even roasted marshmallows at the table for pudding. It was one of those mornings/afternoons where you just have a bloody lovely time. Such wholesome family time. Such a special time. And none of that would be possible without FIFI. It was a time I’ll always remember and cherish forever with this new found appreciation for life that Nev has blessed me with. I even wasn’t cross when we ordered willow a strawberry mocktail and they sent her a strawberry daiquiri by mistake. Thank God I tried it after she had taken a few sips because she would have been rolling out of there drunk as a skunk! But I’m not sweating the small stuff these days – even when they’re trying to get my 7 year old drunk. And that brings me on to tonight. Where I got my real ZEN on 🧘… 

I met up with a friend for a coffee earlier this week. Amongst lots of other chat – we decided we would attend women’s circle together. She had been a few times before and really recommended it. Well now seemed like the perfect time for some relaxation and powerful female energy so I was obviously IN and she booked it. Turns out it was a special rest and manifest, three hour long Cacao ceremony this time. So I packed my bag with everything on the list – my pillow, blanket, mug, notepad, pen and an open mind (with a big fat Nev inside) and off we walked to women’s circle. I was so ready for some zen in my life at this point and was really looking forward to it. I’m not quite sure exactly what I expected. A little bit of meditation maybe? But when I tell you that three hours later I left that circle as a changed woman – I mean every word. The power that went on in that room was unbelievable. This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but like I mention at the beginning of this blog – I’ve always been very authentic with my thoughts on this journey. And I can’t stop now! 

So in what order this all happened – I’m not too sure because it’s all a bit of a blur of epiphanies and realisations and healing. But what I do know is that I pretty much cried for three hours straight. Not because I was sad (maybe my initial tears were sad, actually) but because I felt powerful, I felt like I was healing, I felt like I was allowing myself to let go, allowing myself my feelings – no matter what they were. We were encouraged to journal throughout the session. Whenever a word or a phrase comes to you. Write it down. This might be one word or it might be a whole rage page – whatever feels right for you. We started with some grounding where we opened up our hearts and visualised what this meant to us personally. We were then encouraged to share our experiences if we felt comfortable. And despite being in a room full of 15-20 women who I don’t know (apart from Hayley) – when it got round to me I just word vommed everything. I can’t remember exactly what I said to be honest. It just all came out at once because I felt so secure within this group of powerful and accepting women who were so brave to share their experiences before me. It was a very vulnerable but safe environment and once I opened by mouth I couldn’t stop 😂 I told them everything. I surprised myself as I didn’t know what I was going to say but the truth just popped out – maybe it was the few sips of strawberry daiquiri from earlier?! Then came the tears as I spoke about what I’d visualised during the initial session. I had visualised my heart and the rest of my body with roots coming out of my feet and back. Big red roots as we were advised to do by the lady leading the session. But during my little inner experience – I was surrendering my body to Mother Nature. To the earth. Where was this coming from?! My body was rooting into the earths core as I allowed my soul to be consumed by the universe. I accepted this brain tumour and this whole shit storm for the first time properly since diagnosis. Before this, it’s never felt like MY story – I’ve felt like I’ve been talking about someone else. But I accepted it in this moment as me now. And the words SAFE and TIME came to me. So off journaling I went – writing down safe and time. And I realised that once I accepted this, I was telling myself I felt safe in the hands of those around me who will support and heal me and that I still have the gift of time. I have life left to live. Time with my children, my husband and the rest of my family and friends. 

We enjoyed some cacao, herbal tea, yoga, moving our bodies, reiki, saging, breath work and resting. Really connecting to ourselves, slowing down and releasing any bad energy we had inside. And I was INTO it like you would not believe. I didn’t feel one ounce of judgement when I was stood on my feet moving my body to my feelings and the music with my eyes closed. Shaking my wrists and stomping my feet in unison with these ladies. In fact I peeked my eyes open for a quick second to check I wasn’t going too crazy and everyone was doing a similar thing. So I can’t be that crazy right?!  Then the tempo of the music turned up and we all moved a bit faster – everything just felt RIGHT. I got emotional AGAIN as I released all my pent up emotions I’ve been holding on to over these past few weeks. Tears streamed down my face as I carried on stomping and swaying my hips and shaking those wrists. Who was this version of me that was so confidently expressing herself in front of all these strangers? Is this you, Nev? Then I needed a moment to journal – all of these phrases kept coming into my head. And they wouldn’t stop. I jotted them all down – I don’t know where they were coming from and they might not even make sense but I’ve included a pic at the end of this blog. Take a look and decide for yourself if I’m crazy or not 😂. At this point even I don’t know what’s going on but I allow myself to just do what feels right which is to carry on accepting this gift of womens circle. Who knew eh? 

We finished with laying down under our blankets with our eye masks on for the resting part of the session. This is where the Reiki happens. When I tell you I felt the instructors presence around my head before she even touched me I’m honestly not bullshitting you 😂 I knew she was there, I knew she was transferring her energy to me, her healing presence. And the necklace my dad had placed around my neck on the day of diagnosis started pulsating. Now I know at this point I’ve lost you – Nevs made her go mad I hear you say! But something happened in that moment. I held the necklace in my hand for the rest of the session and I just surrendered. I keep saying surrender. But that’s the only way I can describe it. I mean surrender in a good way – like I accepted that fate will take its course and my path is written for me. And I’m at peace with that. These things are sent to test us and out of dark times, comes light and realisation. This is where you find yourself and what your purpose is in life. I’ve hinted at this in previous blogs but I didn’t figure it out properly until tonight. During women’s circle. What a gift. 

When it came to a close, I had ladies I’d never met asking if they could give me a hug. I had some of the most genuine hugs and deepest conversations with them. They shared their own cancer stories with me, their own struggles and one girl had even been reading my previous blog that morning and knew all about me! One lady said to me mid hug – ‘you do know, what it says on your mug is right don’t you?’. What did my mug say?… YOU’VE GOT THIS. It was the mug that the girls from work had got me as part of my hamper. And do you know what – I have got this! 

So now that you all think I’ve gone certifiably insane and this brain tumour has affected me in ways we could only imagine – please have a look at the pics at the end of this blog. Of my experience at women’s circle tonight. Because it was nothing short of magical for me. Maybe it was the pivotal time I’m at in my life – at this crossroads as I dance with death. But I tell you one thing, I will be attending women’s circle for as long as I shall live! It’s absolutely my jam and I have Hayley to thank for that. For inviting me along and knowing it was just what I needed. You absolute diamond. May we cry together forever more and get our zen on for three hours each month before returning home to our stressful lives and forgetting everything we’ve just learnt because the kids are screaming down our ear holes 😂

To top it off, I got home to scratch off the winning football club from a raffle which was organised by some close friends. A raffle which raised £400 in under 24 hours and tipped my go fund me to the £6000 mark – which it has now surpassed! I couldn’t in my wildest dreams have predicted anything that has happened over this last month. But what I do know is that I am so lucky to have the people around me that I have. Your support will 100% get me through this. I’m so blessed to have each and every one of you. 

Now get yourselves down to women’s circle for gods sake. 

Lots of love, Jen and Nev 🧘🧠👁️⚡️

https://gofund.me/1d2da3d9