After my experience at the women’s circle on Sunday – I continue to feel at peace with Nev. I can’t explain it very well, it’s just an inner calm feeling. But with this brain tumour being at an incurable stage now – we’re room mates for life. I best get used to him right? He will be third wheeling me for the rest of my life. Hopefully just in a much smaller capacity than right now and causing less problems! 

I’ve continued to be a lady that lunches this week. Trying out all the local spots. Which is basically my favourite thing to do, ever. You know that stone I lost in a week at the beginning of this journey? She’s back baby!! Well and truly mum style back in my little pouch at the front having a lovely time 😂. Missed her. I could look at that negatively too, but the fact I have no sudden weight loss is a really good sign – so I’ve never been so glad to see her back. I continue to feel well – all I’m experiencing at the minute is fatigue, the occasional headache, pressure behind the eyes and brain fog. I actually just thought of another and then forgot what i was about to write ironically 🫠. But whatever, I can deal with that. My overall feeling is just being at peace now. At peace with this tumour and that what will be will be. I have to surrender to fate and let my cards play out the way they were intended. Releasing everything else I’ve been holding on to over the past few weeks. 

My main drive now is firstly just to survive this, and then go on to raise as much awareness as I can for the importance of regular eye tests. Both locally and nationally. BBC North West Tonight are popping round this week which will help me get that word out there – as will my new TikTok channel and my big mouth. I basically just don’t shut up about it. So please follow along if you can. Alone I think I’ve done pretty well so far in getting people to book in at their opticians, but platforms like this will really help me to push this message over the coming weeks. I think it’s largely a part of keeping me busy when I’ve had all my usual things stripped away from me and suddenly have nothing to do. But I also feel I’ve been sent a more important task here. And I’ll carry it with me until the end. I’m not loving the TikTok – Im very much feeling like I’m on my phone too much with that and checking it all the time. And it feels a bit ‘click baity’ and unnatural BUT it will create noise so I’m continuing for now as that’s the goal. Until it feels right to stop. And it’s gaining momentum fast, so let’s just see where it goes. As for this blog – I’m just in love with it, It’s like therapy for me. So you won’t get rid of me on this platform for a while 😂

Oll and I have had a tough conversation early this week too, just regarding how I’m going to wake up post surgery. People have mentioned memory and sight loss after their craniotomies – even not remembering their children for a couple of weeks. This scares the life out of me. None of this is guaranteed – obviously we have no idea what condition I’ll wake up in until it happens, but that part is terrifying. I just don’t want to traumatise the babies. I don’t want to be dragging them down this journey at all in fact! So poor Oll has the task of figuring out what to do there regarding them visiting me and if it’s appropriate. It’s his choice and I will respect that – he has to do what feels right in terms of protecting them which has been our utmost priority this whole time. Whether we’ve done any good at that I have no bloody idea but Willow is sleeping again now so something has helped somewhere! I’ve instructed lots of pictures and videos of me with the babies for post surgery – show me pictures of me pregnant with them, in labour with them, us at our wedding, the past seven years of parenting – show me the facts! Me and Nev can’t ignore those surely! Even if there is some temporary loss – how could I possibly forget those guys! 

I had a super busy day too on Tuesday. In fact I’ll admit it – I DID TOO MUCH. With pre op in Salford followed by an apt with my osteopath, lunch with the girls, then school run, making packed lunches and tea, swimming run and bed time I was DONE. Oll was out on a shoot all day and night and I didn’t want to disturb his work (or admit I can’t do eff all on my own these days) I felt like I was snappy with the kids, the house was untidy, I needed to prepare for the BBC reporter, the dishwasher needed doing, I needed a shower – you know when the list just doesn’t end?! I needed my zen back from the women’s circle. Where had it gone?! I remembered what the instructor had said to us at the beginning of the session. When you are constantly letting people charge from you without charging up yourself – you end up empty and run on nothing, in some sort of pilot mode. So I checked myself – got an early night and will be kinder to myself next time. Releasing that built up energy will free me up again. Charge me up!  

Yesterday was much better. I put the fact that I hadn’t hoovered the house to the back of my mind because, well – it really doesn’t matter does it?! In the grand scheme – who the hell cares! Sweating the small stuff is so pointless – please remember that! I did the BBC interview which was lovely and relaxed and no pressure at all. I believe Monday night you might be seeing me on the big screen so take a look unless you’re completely sick of me by now and need a break 😂. My friend came round to support me through it and got roped into being on camera too so catch us both getting this story out there to the world to raise awareness. They will catch up with me post surgery and through treatment for the rest of the story so there will be more to come on that front!

I also went for a really boujie hair pamper session 💁🏻‍♀️ My brother and his girlfriend had messaged to say that they wanted to treat me to have my hair done before surgery. I’d been moaning about how grey I am and they must have heard me! After all, can I really go into major brain surgery with my big grey head when I’m going into this with REAL Prada sunglasses and White Company PJ’s these days?! We need some sort of consistency around here. I have a reputation to uphold you know. So between them, mum and my gorgeous sister they organised the whole thing and off I popped to no other than Toni&Guy! Check me out. We went for a full head of highlights so the greys aren’t as obvious when they grow back, a chop with some layers and just an overall pamper. It was well needed as that was another thing I just didn’t prioritise before. Things that are solely for myself before just didn’t seem essential as a mum. But they are – I’m beginning to realise I didn’t do much before at all that put me first. And I want to change that. Because we are important, valuable and deserve love. Even from ourselves. This allows us to charge up our batteries – in turn being able to give back to our loved ones when our own cups are full. 

So I’m sat having a lovely time having my hair done like a princess and after a few hours – guess who walks in?! None other than my little Willow with my mum 🥹 They’d organised for her to leave school early and have a pamper session with her Mummy 😭 it was so emotional sitting next to her having our hair washed, cut and styled together just knowing this is most probably the last time I’ll have my hair done in a good while before losing all/most of it when I start further treatment after Nev is debulked. They even came with goody bags too. We held hands and drunk hot chocolate together – even got matching hair cuts! It was beautiful and I’ll never forget that experience with her ❤️ We went for mocktails and food afterwards with some of the midwives for a catch up and it was just a GOOD day. I don’t know who I think I am but I even had to answer a few business calls from Specsavers whilst I was in there who had got wind of the BBC interview and would like to use the footage. Look at me pretending I still have a job 😂 

I’m going into the weekend feeling good. I hope you guys are too. There’s so much to be thankful for in this world – even when we’re walking in stormy weather for a while. Make sure you look around and try to appreciate those small things – because they’re there! All around in fact! Me and Oll are heading off to York this weekend just the two of us to finish spending FIFI which will be lovely. And then new beginnings for us all next week. Feeling very at peace with life and everything going on around me. I trust that it will all be okay whatever the outcome and I’ll be continuing to disrupt your social media feeds with this brain tumour for a while longer yet. You can’t get rid of me that easily. 

Lots of love from Jen and Nev 🧠👁️⚡️

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