The last few days have been a mixture of radiotherapy induced anxiety one day and then being totally fine the next. I just HAVE to stay distracted. When I have a minute to myself to think – I could throw up. But if I keep myself busy, I’m calm and feel like I can do anything! So it’s been a few days of distracting myself with friends, family and even the gym. Who am I? Is this you again Nev? Lots of meditation too, to practice what I’ll be doing throughout the actual radiotherapy itself. This has also helped to ease my anxiety massively this week. Just magical ✨

I had a nice slow morning before my first treatment and then made my way to The Christie. Well I didn’t, I don’t my OWN way anywhere anymore – but I was passenger princess. It’s posh in the Macc Christie you know! Free tea, coffee, juice and biscuits too. There’s ANOTHER perk to this brain tumour alongside the fact that chemo will give me a six month break from periods 💃. I’m absolutely winning here guys! I know that doesn’t sound very good for my body but what choice do I have? Good job we don’t want anymore babies. When they told us we most likely won’t be able to have anymore children after chemo and do I want to freeze some eggs, me and Oll just looked at each other and laughed. No thank you. We’re done with that. Still a bit grim that the decision is made for you. Grateful we had our babies when we did and that we’re now finished with having anymore. They also told me yesterday at radiotherapy to not try and get pregnant at the moment. can you IMAGINE if that was my plan. Oh yes I’m just at the beginning of radio and chemo and was told by my consultant I have 8-10 years to live but I know what I’ll do – have another baby 🤦🏻‍♀️ Seems like an illogical decision to me.

I looked around in the Christie waiting room and I’m always the youngest one in there which is depressing. But then I saw a little boy who had just come out of the treatment room. He must have been about four. And it quickly brought me back down to earth and out of my ‘woe is me’ state. Then I left Ange after a big hug and went through to get this first session out of the way and behind me! I climbed onto the machine, lay down and my mask was placed over my face. It was so much tighter than before! Or maybe my head has grown 😂 I could barely open my mouth, it was clamped shut – so breathing out of my nose it was then. Thank god I didn’t have a blocked nose. I quickly opted for a thumbs up everytime they asked me if I was okay after trying to say a very muffled ‘yes thank you’ about a thousand times with my mouth still closed 😂. After an issue with the mask and something about my optic nerves (which goes way beyond anything I understand), the mask was repositioned and then the radio began. So you can’t feel ANYTHING – it’s odd, you can hear the machine doing whatever on earth it’s doing but you can’t see or feel it. To lose two of your senses like that is just somehow unnerving in itself. But they let me hold a healing crystal in one hand and gave me a stress ball for the other – so I was at least distracted in some way. I had put a playlist together to meditate to, but unfortunately I couldn’t listen to it because I didn’t bring an iPhone to aux adapter with me. They did put me some relaxing music on, but that did throw me off a bit that it wasn’t my own. Certain music has always provoked emotions in me. For example at the beginning of my diagnosis I absolutely could NOT listen to any remotely sad songs because I’d just cry. Or when I hear certain songs it will remind me of a specific time in my life. So my own music will definitely relax me when this adapter comes which I ordered on prime as soon as I’d left the radio room. I doubt it will come before today’s treatment, but that’s ok. I can do one more without my music and then I’ve got it for my other 28 treatments! Once I was done, they put me in a side room and told me the doctor wanted to see me. My heart sank. I think just because I’ve heard those words before and the news was never good. So I sat in there on my own waiting for them, desperately hoping they weren’t going to come in and tell me Nev was massive again or something like that. Funny how the trauma comes flooding back like that at any given moment and just consumes you. After a few deep breaths and speaking to Oll I felt better. He told me they probably just wanted to say hi after my first treatment. They’re far too busy for that I thought – but he was exactly right! She just wanted to introduce herself and let me know how to contact the team if I had any problems throughout the next 6 weeks. PANIC OVER 😂 Oll also sent me a pic of a Marge Simpson wig and asked if I wanted it incase I lose my hair which made me laugh. So all was well in the end. No, I didn’t opt for the marge wig fyi. 

Once I was finished, I went back out into the waiting room to find Ange and head to the spa. She had booked us a night away to take my mind off things at somewhere that specialises in treatments for people undergoing radio and chemo 🥹. That was JUST what I needed. So we headed off. She was moaning about her toothache because she’d been to the dentist that morning. Everyone always apologises for telling me they’ve been poorly or moaning about something and I find it so funny. You are still allowed to say things like that around me you know! I don’t sit there and think oh my god look at them whinging about that when I’ve got a brain tumour! Although I will ABSOLUTELY say exactly that to make myself laugh 😂. That just isn’t how I look at this AT ALL. I don’t feel sorry for myself one bit. I think I did in the beginning when why me was something I asked myself on the daily. But why anyone?! Yes, brain tumours are quite shitty but the amount I have learnt, realised and changed for the better since my diagnosis is massive. So it’s not all doom and gloom at all. It’s these significant life events that have a real impact on you as a person and for me, this journey hasn’t all been negative. It’s helped me realise the true meaning of life, connected me to myself spiritually and made me realise even more how important good friends and family are. And that’s just to name a few. So please, continue moaning to me about your toothaches – I don’t mind! I just might take the piss out of you a bit for it 😂🤷🏻‍♀️ (because brain tumours are deffo worse by the way 😂) 

Me and Ange were reflecting on the whole morning whilst on the motorway on the way to the spa. And she made such a good point which I loved. She said that sitting in that waiting room full of so many people undergoing cancer treatment (some of whom looked very unwell) – all she saw was love. Everyone had someone with them supporting them at their appointment. There was laughter in the room, there were smiles on faces and what shone through was how important relationships, friendships and love was in that moment. Then she started crying 😂 honestly she cries more than me about this stuff. I’ve had my fair share of tears on FaceTime to her over the last few months for sure! But I always think how much easier it is for me to have this brain tumour than someone I love. I’d take it on every-time if it meant someone else didn’t have to have it. As a friend or family member – I almost think it’s worse. To have to see someone go through it all. But truthfully when it’s yourself, you just find inner strength from somewhere and crack on. I can’t look at it from an angle of sadness or fear, because that feeling consumes you completely. And you can’t live like that everyday. There are moments of that, of course. But positivity and getting on with it is all you have. So it’s what you do. 

When we arrived at the spa we head straight for our massage. A massage which I tried to book last week and they said they were fully booked. But once Ange played the brain tumour card, there were all of a sudden two available slots 😂. So we head in and then get chauffeured over to the building where the treatments are via golf buggy which was posh! Ange goes up for hers and I’m SO excited for mine – it’s just what I needed in that moment. An hour of relaxation and forgetting about life. Anyway, I’m brought swiftly back down to earth as I often am at the moment when she tells me she can’t do the massage because I’ve had surgery in the last 6 months. She said that I look so well and not like I’ve had major surgery to remove a brain tumour 6 weeks ago. I assured her I wasn’t fibbing 😂 but I was gutted I couldn’t have my massage! I’d paid £90 for that! I left the nice relaxing treatment room and back into the waiting room and they were so apologetic – they felt awful. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s to take the rough with the smooth. Not getting a massage is very much first world problems isn’t it so I can’t be mad. What will that do? I assured them it’s absolutely fine and that I’ll just wait here for my friend. They came out with a bag full of free spa products, vouchers for free drinks and didn’t charge us for robes in the spa as well as refunding me my £90. So I feel like that was a win. It definitely softened the blow anyway. I understand they have policies and procedures to follow but it does make me laugh how six weeks ago I had my head cut open and a big fat tumour removed from my brain, but today a massage was too dangerous for me 😂

The actual spa itself was lovely, so it didn’t take anything away from the enjoyment of the evening. We spent most of the time in the jacuzzi outside talking about rubbish and trying to guess the temperature of the jacuzzi to make sure I didn’t get above body temperature and have a seizure 😂. All we could use as a reference was the birthing pools at work which we run at body temperature so we scientifically decided I would be fine because it was only slightly hotter than that. 38 degrees we decided 😂. Because just asking the staff would have been far too easy, you see. We finished the night off with wet hair and comfy clothes in the posh restaurant 😂. Then back to the room where I hopped in the bath (because it’s my favourite hobby and I clearly hadn’t spent enough time soaking in hot water at the spa). I had all the spa products to use too – so I had a gorgeous bath after spraying myself in the face with the shower first. Why are hotel baths/showers so complicated?! Ange did interrupt me for the occasional wee and to check I was still alive, but it was nice ❤️. Then she would shout me from bed ‘are you okay in there?’ – I’m such a liability honestly 😂. God forbid I die on Ange’s watch in the bath! She’d be in big trouble 😂

We have to race back for my radiotherapy appointment this morning which is cutting the spa stay short. That’s a bit annoying – but it’s been GORGEOUS still and I’m so grateful for the idea of booking this for me. When I say I have the best people around me, I REALLY do. 

What has been giving me the giggles recently is how much shit NEV is getting. Firstly, RIP NEV was trending on twitter the day before I started radiotherapy. THEN, I’m playing Scrabble (as I always do) and my letters were SHITNEV 😂😂😂. He’s clearly no longer welcome and just needs to do one. 

Right it’s time I stopped writing, otherwise I just won’t stop and my room service breakfast is coming soon! 

Have a gorgeous day! 

Lots of love, Jen and Nev 🧠👁️⚡️