100 days since diagnosis today 😳 I can’t actually believe it’s been going on that long to be fair and that it’s still happening! Don’t get me wrong, a lot of positive stuff has happened in the last 100 days that I’m grateful for and proud to have endured and got through considering life was normal until September. And bad days are inevitable – brain tumours aren’t always sweetness and light you know 😂🙄

I said in my first ever blog as I sat in hospital trying to process all of this, that I’m sure they wouldn’t all be positive. But that I wanted to share the highs and the lows. Well today is a low. And I don’t say any of this for any sympathy AT ALL. In fact I actively don’t want sympathy 😂 I share this purely to be real and get my thoughts out – whatever they are. I’d say it started yesterday when I slept for the entire afternoon, both kids weren’t fed at home (I mean, one was at her friends and the other was at his nanny’s, so they were living their best lives) and that made me feel guilty that I couldn’t do that for them because of the fatigue. Then this morning, Willow just woke up and wanted a FIGHT. And I had no patience. Everyday radio takes its toll and reaching 100 days felt like a milestone. But a shit milestone. When I started these blogs I definitely didn’t think I’d still be doing them at day 100, but 100 days on, here I am with an incurable brain tumour, trying to just get through the day. 

I kept my cool with Wills this morning for as long as I possibly could, but after an hour of trying to convince her to get dressed for school and listen to me. I’d lost it. So it was just one of those crap stressful mornings where everything went to shit and nothing was peaceful. Which on a normal day, I could deal with – but I just can’t at the minute! So if anyone fancies two free tickets to Disney on ice this Saturday – hit me up and come with me and Chester because this girl needs to learn a lesson! And I’ve said it now! So I need to stick to it!

So I had a good cry on the bedroom floor once she was finally at school. Oll must have heard me, so came in asking if they were happy or sad tears 🥹 OBVIOUSLY SAD I snapped back 😂 so he had some words of wisdom first which made me feel better – and then reminded me that I’m on my period so that’s probs why I’m sad 🤬 how do men do that?! Offer really good advice and then say some DUMB stuff in the next breath 😂 (don’t worry, he doesn’t read the blogs – so that means I can talk about him right?). 

Anyway I pulled myself off the bedroom floor and out for a walk before radio. I didn’t get far before having to head back to make sure I wasn’t late – but it was nice to be out in the fresh air. I did get some funny looks walking down the canal crying though. I thought to myself – just don’t look anyone in the eye and they won’t notice. But it felt rude, so I smiled a fake little smile and said good morning anyway 😂. It was hard to shake the feeling whatever I did, but I think I’ll just write this day off as a shitter and have a better one tomorrow. It turns out no matter how loud you listen to your fave positive playlist, sometimes there’s no amount of Jessie J, Beyoncé or Gwen Stefani that will pull you out of the funk! 

So, brave face on for radio. As I walked past the maternity ward on my way to the Christie, one of my gorgeous friends was just coming out ❤️ so we walked together for a little bit and that made me feel better too! Radio was obvs running 40 mins behind today, but as soon as you get called in, they make you feel 100 times better because they’re just the sweetest humans – even if you totally lied when they asked how you were 😂. I lay there with my mask on, and calmed myself down a bit. I already had a headache from the crying, so it’s no surprise I left with an even bigger one today. But nothing a codeine or two won’t fix 😂🙃

Home and straight to bed for me – a nap is in order before going out with mum, dad and Kate tonight ❤️ 

RIGHT, I’ll get my shit together for the next one. But I thought it was important not to skip my down day. Because who the hell can ALWAYS be positive when this is happening?! Sometimes I think I forget that. Proud of myself always. Even on days like today – as I’ll get through it and carry on carrying on! 

Lots of love, Jen and Nev 🧠👁️⚡️